totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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