May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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