dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
