i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
