I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
