She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
