Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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