Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
