you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
