just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
