My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
