and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
