that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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