You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
