Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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