by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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