sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
