The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
