there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
