why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
