please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
