Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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