I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
