I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
