A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
