But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
