If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
