Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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