I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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