you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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