we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
