i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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