I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
