On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?