you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
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My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van