I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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