woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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