You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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