Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
