he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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