how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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