One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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