if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
