the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
