I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
