I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
