She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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