bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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