Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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