we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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