my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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