idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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