this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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