i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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