Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
