just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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