I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
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FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
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I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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