My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
