sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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