remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
